Childhood Relationships Friends and other people
Friends and other people
It is a widely held view that individuals with Autism
Spectrum Disorder (ASD) have a different understanding and requirement for
social interactions from neurotypical people, and being a ‘loner’ is often
considered part of the autism profile. This is not always the case. For some
girls with autism, their proactive sociability can be a clue in itself. It is
possible to be too sociable (according to expected
norms), with too few boundaries and little understanding of the feelings and
intentions of others. Females on the autism spectrum include individuals who
don’t engage at all or who actively avoid interaction, but also those who don’t
know when not to engage and who reveal differences in knowing what to do, how
often and when to stop. The skills involving theory of mind and the development
of intuitive empathy are not developed until around four years of age in
typically developing children, and so cannot be indicative of potential autism
in a child under this age.
She is incredibly sociable and seeks interaction with
anyone she meets […] With adults it can make her vulnerable – she wanted to
cuddle the telephone engineer and the dog food delivery man (when she was six
or seven) […] when she ‘takes a shine’ to someone,
she will not be swayed. (Parent of girl with autism)
When I did interact, it was inappropriate. For example, as
a young toddler I would sometimes seek out physically stimulating activities or
rough play with certain adults, such as rubbing up against them, rocking in
their lap, seeking to have my back or my arms scratched or tickled, roughly
playing with their hair or their hands, etc. (Woman with autism)
Difficulty understanding the rules and expectations
of social situations is a common feature of autism, and one that requires not
only verbal and non-verbal interpretation and expression, but also a kind of
cultural understanding of what is required and expected in any given, specific
setting. Individuals with autism may lack some of these subtle observational
abilities and need more direct guidance in order to know how to act. It seems to
me that individuals with autism have to learn mechanically (consciously) what
others learn intuitively (unconsciously).
I was constantly being trained by my mother on how to read
the non-verbal cues of others and how to say the right things at the right time.
We often role-played what to do and say in various situations. I was not very
good at generalising from one situation to the next. It’s almost as if I had to
know the specific script for each situation and encounter, no matter how similar
the situations might be to a past experience. (Woman with autism)
Again, for girls, the expectation is that they will
be naturally good at this extremely subtle, intuitive, nuanced skill that
requires adaption from moment to moment. For females with autism this cannot be
assumed, and care should be taken not to reprimand a girl more severely than one
would a boy with autism behaving in a similar fashion. It is also important to
recognise this behaviour in girls for what it is, rather than attribute it to
another (perhaps intentional) reason.
For most of the girls and women who participated in my
research, there was some desire to interact with people, and often a sense of a
conscious awareness of finding it difficult –
despite the desire to do it – from a young age. They appeared to process the
experience consciously rather than intuitively, observing the situation almost
from a distance and working out what to do, but often missing some important
element, for example what it is to have a friend and be a friend. This suggests that a huge amount of early awareness and
cognitive processing is required. One can imagine that this would be isolating,
exhausting and baffling for a young child with autism, and that they might also
have a sense that everyone else just seems to ‘get it’.
Playtime was very difficult. I didn’t know how other kids
just sort of knew what to do and who to play with. So, I just hung out by
myself, wandered around the playground, sometimes standing weirdly in a group of
kids, not saying much, thinking that was enough to be included and considered a
part of whatever game they were playing. Mostly I just watched. (Woman with
autism)
I remember feeling like I should play one-to-one, because
no one else played alone, but I didn’t know how to make it happen. (Woman with
autism)
Certainly, some women were not forthcoming in seeking
interaction and actively avoided doing so. Liane Holliday Willey (2014) recalls
an overwhelming desire to be away from her peers in her earliest years, much
preferring the company of her imaginary friends. In either case, whether silent
or actively seeking an audience, most of the girls in my sample were typically
not considered as potentially autistic until they had reached adulthood, despite
what, with hindsight, can be seen as clear indicators of some difference. On
reflection, it is easy to attribute their behaviour to shyness, or even high
intelligence in some cases, but when combined with a broad profile and an
understanding of autism, indications of their future diagnosis are not difficult
to see.
Other people are just walking noise machines. I didn’t
wish to be around them and desperately wanted to be alone much of the time.
(Woman with autism)
Playtime for A would consist
of running up and down the perimeter of the fence, flapping and clapping her
hands and having an inner dialogue with herself. (Parent of girl with
autism)
Preference for adults
Seeking adult interaction, rather than peer interaction,
from a young age appears to be a common feature of many girls on the autism
spectrum, with around 60 per cent of those asked saying that adults were their
first choice of companion. Mothers and grandparents were favourite companions,
with some girls not requiring or seeking anyone in the world other than these
people as a playmate.
A just wants to be with me. She tells me this all the
time. (Parent of girl with autism)
I rarely sought out people and when I did it was for a
specific task or to play a specific game or get help with a piece of work. I
didn’t ever seek out people just for idle chit chat or to play their games or
because I wanted a hug or any other such nonsense. I preferred the company of
adults. (Woman with autism)
Adults are less complicated than peers to engage with
and their communication is usually clearer. As a child, my preferred choice for
my birthday party was an evening of card games with a family that my Mum had
known her entire life: two elderly parents and their adult children. I was the
only child. I never had any birthday party other than this. And never wanted
one. The idea of being the centre of attention in a social gathering of children
would have been a horrific thought.
These girls in my survey describe friendships on their terms,
sometimes with little perception or regard for the feelings of others, even
after theory of mind had kicked in for their peers. These girls were making
fewer – or at least more socially clumsy – attempts at connecting with peers
from a very young age than would be expected from a typically developing
child.
A really wanted to relate to
adults or older children. She didn’t seem to ‘get’ how to be with her peers […]
She would rather hit someone over the head or cover them in paint, which didn’t
endear her to either them or their parents. (Parent of girl with autism)
Peer friendships
From the participants’ responses, 50 per cent were
considered ‘shy’ as young children, a view that is also found in the literature
(Giarelli et al. 2010; Riley-Hall 2012). A small
number fell into the ‘overpowering’ category, where the wants of the other
children were not taken into consideration; but in general, these girls were
quiet – unusually quiet. This quietness does not alert professionals to any
potential difficulties – quiet is harmless and isn’t causing any trouble. The
responses from participants give us an insight into what was really going on
behind that quiet exterior.
On my first day of kindergarten, I hid behind my mum’s
legs and stood with her and the other parents, staring at the kids. I had
absolutely no desire to socialise with them or to play. (Woman with autism)
Some of the women questioned had a strong sense of
being tolerated by other children, rather than actively liked. The effect of
this awareness must have had a considerable impact on self-esteem and
well-being.
I made a few friends from my class, all of whom bossed me
around and eventually got sick of me. Whenever I didn’t have any friends from my
class, I’d play with kids from younger classes, but even they would eventually
point out that I should play with kids my own age. (Woman with autism)
Around 25 per cent of the women questioned had
experienced bullying as children. Bullying among the autistic population is old
news and it is rare in my work that I meet a person with ASD who hasn’t been
bullied at school and beyond. It is possible that for some of these girls, their
‘shyness’, invisible presentation and quiet demeanour may have protected them from bullying to some degree. Perhaps those girls who
were bullied were more obviously different in some way, which made them an easy
target. Many of the responses give the impression that the girls were mostly
simply left alone, as they were of very little interest to bullies (or anyone
else for that matter), but, sadly, that wasn’t always the case.
I was constantly being bullied. A lot of the times even by
the people I considered to be my best friends. I was picked last on the team,
not invited to parties, called names, and once they even put glue on my chair.
(Woman with autism)
That is not to say that all girls with ASD are the
passive type. Some girls can be loud, outspoken and come across as aggressive or
dictatorial, needing to control any interactions and struggling when games
change or things don’t go their way. The child can appear serious and intolerant
of others whom they perceive are ‘doing it wrong’.
My sister says that when we were kids she was always under
the impression that she was annoying me […] I remember being very authoritarian
and wanting to dictate to them [siblings] how to play. (Woman with autism)
For these girls their social difficulties can
manifest in a more pro-active, socially clumsy and sometimes overpowering way.
Eileen Riley-Hall (2012) suggests that there is less tolerance from teachers for
aggression in girls than in boys, and that girls, from an early age, are
expected to be more polite and considerate of others’ feelings.
I was something of a tyrant […] but only to those I viewed
as wrongdoers. I had a keen sense of justice even at that age; but to those who
ended up on my naughty list, so to speak, I would act almost animalistic towards
them and was pulled out of the group for physical aggression. (Woman with
autism)
Sometimes I was a bully, especially when I spent time with
younger kids. They would get me to go and hit a child they didn’t like and this
would make me popular with them, so I did it.
(Woman with autism)
I was quite violent; when I couldn’t communicate what was
wrong I think I just let my fists do the talking. (Woman with autism)
Girls with ASD may appear to have friends or, more
accurately, often just one friend, so the child doesn’t appear to be
particularly isolated or a ‘loner’. For some girls, this one friend can become a
life-line and help her to gain access into the social arena. The friend can
become a subject of fascination and focus, which can cause enormous distress if
and when she decides she wants to play with other children.
From a very young age, I craved exclusivity with a ‘best
friend’. (Woman with autism)
In other cases, women with ASD say that large groups
were the best places for them, as they could hide on the peripheries with little
requirement to participate (Attwood 2007).
I did attach to the most ‘high status’ group of friends at
my primary school […] as they served a purpose for me in reducing the bullying I
faced […] I wouldn’t really call that ‘friendship’ though, it was more an
interaction of convenience. (Woman with autism)
Larger groups meant I could smile, laugh, agree and hide
away, camouflaged by the group identity. (Woman with autism)
The girls’ friends are sometimes very similar to them
– other girls who find the social whirl difficult for various reasons; or they
are very different – super-sociable girls who scoop up the stragglers and mother
them. All of this leads the casual observer to conclude that all is well in the
social world of the girl with ASD.
They (friends) were those that were considered outlandish
for various reasons. (Woman with autism)
I describe her [friend] as a ‘social crutch’. (Parent of
girl with autism)
The other common friends for girls with ASD are boys.
We have already seen that the vast majority of girls and women with ASD identify
themselves as ‘tomboys’ and find other girls to be far more complex and nuanced
in their social skills than boys. This is particularly the case in the teenage
years when friendships change from being interest-based to being more
personality-based and the girl with ASD can struggle to keep up with the
multiple and involved intricacies of female teenage relationships (more on this
in Chapter 5).
I wanted to play with boys at school. I don’t think I
understood other girls and did not feel comfortable with them, always whispering
and giggling. Girls are not nurturing, they are mostly bitchy and cliquey.
(Woman with autism)
I did not understand the girls’ group dynamics. I was
always on the periphery and I felt very inadequate. (Woman with autism)
Copying
We have noted that girls with autism learn how to behave
socially by observing and copying behaviour witnessed in others. These girls may
also practise these behaviours further through play with dolls and toys. When
taking the role of a socially skilled girl, they may re-enact scenarios and
conversations they have had or overheard. This role-play helps them to analyse
and rehearse situations (Attwood et al. 2006). The
common interest of reading fiction seen in girls with autism is also a valuable
tool in learning about communication and relationships. Later on in life, they
may turn to psychology or self-help books for this data, but for now, Enid
Blyton may well be the source of their social research. Chapter 5 on
adolescence includes more about how girls with autism try to fit in by copying
their peers.
She tried to make friends by watching and copying
behaviour, but it never worked particularly successfully. (Parent of girl with
autism)
Mimicry is the word, although this was by no means a conscious effort. I even copy
people’s accents without myself knowing until the afterthought dawns on me in
retrospect […] I know I definitely was flagged a weirdo to the general populace.
I guess I just didn’t know. I can remember just sitting by a clique, which
hopefully would not take offence to my mere presence, to pass by the more social
times. (Woman with autism)
Sharing
I just did my own thing and if someone initiated
conversation or wanted to play, I’d say something like, ‘Sure, I’m playing with
this toy, so you can play with that one’. (Woman with autism)
The notion of sharing is not always one that young
children understand: ‘Why would I want to give you something that leaves me with
less?’ The development of theory of mind at around four to six years of age
usually changes this perspective and leads the child to understand that if I
give you something of mine, there may be a deal here in which I can get
something better in return. It is thought that children with autism develop this
skill later and sometimes not to the same degree. Needing the world to be ‘on
their terms’ is a common comment made by those living with and supporting
individuals with autism. It can appear that the child is extremely self-focused,
when it may be that the concept of the needs of others is simply not developed
yet. This is a trait less easily tolerated in girls, who are expected to be more
intuitive to the needs of others.
Sharing involves:
•Change of plan/status quo: I was
doing this, now I have to adapt.
•Other people: I have no idea
what they might want. It’s easier to be on my own.
•Non-verbal communication: Does
this person have a hidden agenda?
•Verbal negotiation: On-the-spot,
socially acceptable response required.
•Anticipating the behaviour of
another person.
•Sharing possessions and space:
risky, loss of control and safety.
•Having to do something that you
may not want to do.
It is not difficult to see why this doesn’t seem like
a worthwhile deal at a young age and why solo play is a more logical and low
stress choice for many children with ASD. Issues with the concept of sharing
were mentioned by a significant number of participants. Some did not necessarily
object to it when the consequences and benefits were explained; they simply had
not been aware that there was an expectation from others that it should be
done.
She finds sharing very difficult and wants everything to
be done on her terms […] ‘Precious’ toys have to be hidden away before other
children come to play. She would never think to offer sweets to others and
refuses to do so when prompted. (Woman with autism)
I was capable of sharing, and did do it; I just didn’t
especially want to and didn’t understand why the school didn’t make adequate
provision to ensure that we didn’t have to share. It seemed illogical. (Woman
with autism)
The differences in intuitively reading, interpreting
and understanding other people that come as a core part of the autism profile
mean that all people relationships are potentially fraught with stresses and
misunderstandings.
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